Competitive Days Out

When you want to have a perfect day out and feed the competitive needs of both you and your family, you need to go to the best places, do the best activities and eat the best foods. Here is our guide to having a Competitive Day Out.

  1. The best competitive days out involve long walks, cycling or sailing trips so that you can later declare to your friends and family how far you travelled or how many hours it took you.
  2. Take your children to Heritage Trust sites. They will love the open spaces, fragile and irreparable walls over which they will climb when you don’t look after them and of course the historic house interiors where they can bump into people and poke their faces into everything, shouting “What’s that?!” at the top of their voices.
  3. Visit a small sea-side hamlet with one fish restaurant run by a celebrity chef (must be BBC or Channel 4) where you can gush self-satisfyingly with other ‘Competitives’ over the food freshness and quality.
  4. Visit educational places including Museums and Nature Reserves. Here you must always show the staff that you know more than they do and if it turns out that you don’t then just laugh it off with a phrase like ”well that’s not what we were taught in school”.
  5. Must_be_premium
    You know that gifts must be premium and artisan

    Seek out ‘local’ artisan food and craft retailers. Your holiday souvenirs or gifts for friends and relatives must be expensive and unusual. Local artisan retailers will always be well-prepared to sell you exactly what you need at twice the normal price.

  6. Always choose premium, small and select places to spend your day and where to eat. No large towns with ‘Chippies’.
  7. Destination pubs and hotel restaurants are very much your style. Seek out the best and occupy.
  8. In cafes, be sure to complain about your food if you want to secure that complementary replacement which you so richly deserve.
    • For example, although it was your mistake choosing that rather nice-looking rich slice of fruit cake, now you can see that your friend Sarah has made an even better choice with the moist carrot cake and now you want some of that too, but how do you change your choice and save face?  Easy! Just complain loudly to the staff that the fruit cake is “too dry and un-fit for consumption” and claim a better (and ideally more expensive) carrot cake as replacement.  When the assistant asks you to pay the difference, stand your ground and make them feel really bad until they back down and give you what you want to avoid a scene.
  9. Photograph yourselves whenever and wherever you want. If you cause people to wait whilst you frame that perfect image on the narrow river-side path, then all the better.
  10. Don’t forget to boast! Remember that boasting about your day afterwards is the perfect post-Competitive Day Out past-time. Make your day spectacular and then be sure to broadcast to everyone you meet what you did, bought, ate, drank, saw, thought or said. Ensure everyone knows that you’re the best at days out!

Competitive Days Out compiled by Polenta Chelwick and Septimus Cartwright